A Tale Of Little Plot
by weyohi2g4234yh
Summary: Hermione gets turned into a Furby and teachers are advertising haircare products. Strangeness prevails. And it's finished! Rejoice!
1. Unfortunate happenings befall Hermione

You may notice that what IÕve done with this is basically take a few of my brother and his friendÕs chunks of rubbish and attempted to lodge them into a would-be amusing story. But I asked them first! *nods like a nodding dog* Note not like some kind of nodding fish!! 

  


I own none of the characters or places in this ...ahem... ÔstoryÕ. Except the inoppurtunely placed staircase. Huzzah. 

Hennyway... on with the poorly constructed fic.

_Harry, Ron and Hermione are boredly trudging to a potions lesson. Ron suddenly looks worried._

Ron: _[in a tone of voice that implies he should be saying ÔIÕm late, IÕm late, for a very important dateÕ or something to that effect]_ Oh no! WeÕre going to be late and Snape is sure to give us detention!

_Harry and Hermione regard Ron as though he has lost what little sense he ever had._

Ron: Well I for one am not about to hang around here and give Snape an excuse to give me a detention!

_Ron breaks into a jog, then a run, accompanied by a sort of FWOOSH/ZZOOOM noise._

Harry: Uh... _[he shrugs]_ I suppose IÕd better go after him.

_Harry repeats RonÕs jog-run-fwoosh/zoom action._

Hermione: Oo...kaaay.... _[she looks at her watch]_ Oh my God! I AM late! Sweet mother of ... uh ... something!!

__Hermione begins to run too, but trips over something not immediately evident and falls down a set of inconveniently placed stairs.

Hermione: Ow! *thud* Augh *thud* Aiieee!

_Instead of landing in a heap as would normally occur, on reaching the bottom she begins to roll down the corridor, cluthing her back._

Hermione: Ow! Oof! Owch!

_There is a dull thud as she hits the door of the potions dungeon. She pulls herself up and walks in, in fact only dizzy and somewhat dazed but appearing as though stoned. Or something. She meanders haphazardly across the room._

Snape: _[glares at Hermione] _Granger, you are late.

Hermione: _[blinks] _NO. It is YOU who has the teacup. But Mr. Ed WILL prevail!

_She then falls over sideways, knocking over a random cauldron whose contents begin to seep over the floor._

Snape: Aiiee! My floor! YouÕve ruined my beautiful linoleum!!

Ron: _[seeming to have dropped the bizzarre way of speech which we witnessed at first] _ Uh... itÕs not linoleum, Professor, itÕs - 

_Harry clamps a hand over RonÕs mouth._

Harry: _[out of the corner of his mouth in a way he believes to be surreptitious] _Sh! DonÕt correct him or heÕll probably do something horrible to you!

Ron: Mmf.

Snape: _[bellows at unconcious Hermione] _Thirty points from Griffindor! 

_Hermione does not move. Snape takes out his wand and points it at Hermione, who is turned into a Furbyª._

Hermione: _[waking up]_ Aay! Cock-a-doodle-doo!!

_The other students look on in amazement, all thinking something to the effect of ÔSnape has really lost itÕ. All of them. Even the Slytherins._

Snape: _[glaring at Hermione the Furbyª, eyes popping]_ THATÕLL teach you to be late.

_Snape takes Hermione in one hand, rights the fallen cauldron with the other, and walks into his office thingie._  
  
  


¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥

Ok, short chapter I know. But otherwise it doesnÕt work, OK? *nods solemnly*

To Be Continued, etc. When I get back from Wales. 


	2. Dumbledore proves to be of little help

Ok, so it was finished before I got back from Wales.... Hey, Why the long faces?

_Harry grabs Ron and dashes him out of the room while Snape is in his office. He still has his hand clamped over Ron`s mouth_

Harry: _[suddenly looks at Ron quizzically] RON!_

Ron: *innocent* Mmf? 

Harry: Ugh. _[Removes his hand and wipes it on his trousers]_

Ron: YouÕve been eating chocolate haven`t you?

_Harry sighs despairingly (again)._

Ron: Why`d you drag me out of the classroom anyway?

Harry: Because we have to save Hermione!

Ron: Uh... yeah... but, Harry... Hermione`s in the classroom.

Harry: I know that!!

Ron: So why - 

Harry: Because if we just try to steal her back Snape will turn US into Furbies too!!

Ron: Furbies? What`s a Furby?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn`t know. It`s what Snape turned Hermione into. They`re a kind of annoying muggle toy that goes `Doo-ay`. Dudley had one once but he trod on it.

Ron: Oh.

Harry: Anyway, we have to find Dumblefore or someone so they can get Snape to turn Hermione back.

Ron: Yes, let`s.

_There is a pause. Neither of them move._

Harry: Ron... Do you think maybe we should get a move on?

Ron: Oh. Yeah, we probably should.

_He still does not move. After some time he tenses, staring over Harry`s shoulder._

Harry: _[turning to see what Ron is staring at]_ What is it?

Ron: It`s a magnificent door isn`t it?

_Harry sighs despairingly for the third time in less than half an hour and, grabbing Ron by the wrists, proceeds to drag him along the ground behind him and up several staircases. Ron seems to be quite enjoying this.  
At length they bump into Dumbledore._

Harry: Professor Dumblefore! WeÕve been looking for you! I - 

_Harry breaks off, looking slightly worried. Dumbledore looks in no way surprised and makes no comment as to ask why Harry is not in his potions lesson or why he is dragging his best friend/sidekick around by the wrists. He pauses, then starts again. _

Harry: Uh... Professor Dumbledore, Snape is evil!! He - 

Dumbledore: _[looking concerned]_ Yes, Harry. Snape IS evil. But do you know what`s really evil? Split ends. But I don`t get them any more since I started using Pantene Pro-V! Its unique formula - 

_It is clear that Dumbledore is going to be of no help. Harry gives an exasperated sigh and begins to trudge off, still dragging Ron behind him._

Ron: You know Harry, that`s the fourth despairing sigh you`ve done in the last hour or so.

Harry: That was an EXASPERATED sigh. Not a despairing one.

Ron: There`s a difference?

Harry: Yes.

_Ron looks confused, then shrugs and resigns himself to being dragged along the floor by the wrists._

------------------------------------

Oh the suspense!! How does Snape know what a Furby is to be able to change Hermione into one? Will Hermione ever get changed back? Why is Dumbledore endorsing Pantene Pro-V? How many sighs, both despairing and exasperated, can Harry get away with throughout the length of this fic before someone comes along and arrests him for unnecessarily large amounts of sighing? To Be Continued, as they say... *a drum is banged and someone says `BA BA BA BUMMM` in an unconvincing way


	3. The Thick Plottens

  


Ahoy hoy! If you is reading this I take it that you has read previous two chapters of this here story!! (I'm amazed at the rate at which I'm churning out this rubbish) ... which is where the puzzlement comes in. If you have read previous chapters... then why the goobenheimer did you take it upon yourself to continue? The only explanation can be that you enjoyed them. This is most bizzarre.*takes her glasses out of the case where they usually reside, places them too far down face, pushes them up into sensible position* I must consult my books. *removes glasses, puts them back in case* Ahem. Anyway. On with the madness which constitutes this fic. *nods* And I think I have resolved the apostrophe problem! Huzzah! *crosses fingers and hopes they don't end up as Os with accents over them this time* =--=

Ron: Uh... Harry, are you gonna drag me round the castle all day until we find someone who can help or are we going to go to our next lesson?

Harry: I think we should go to our next lesson.

Ron: But --

Harry: If Dumbledore can't help, who can? We'll have to go tonight with the invisibility cloak to steal Hermione out of Snape's office.

Ron: _[shrugs]_ I suppose...

_Neither of them consider the fact that the only reason Dumbledore wouldn't help was that he was busy advertising Pantene Pro-V and that he didn't even try to offer help of any kind._

Harry: Right then! What to we have next?

Ron: Uh... I can't check. My timetable's in my bag.

Harry: You left it in the Potions room?

Ron: No, but I can't use my hands. You're gripping them at the wrists.

Harry: I am? Oh yes! I forgot. _[he releases Ron]_

Ron: Ok, wait while the blood resumes its normal circulation, then I can open my bag and check my timetable.

Harry: _[sighs despairingly]_ Why don't I check MY timetable?

Ron: Oh yeah! What a good idea!

_Harry rummages through his bag and produces his timetable, which he examines momentarily._

Harry: Oh, whoopee. _[he turns to Ron]_ We have Divination.

Ron: Jolly dee.

_A Short While Later_

Ron: _[still being dragged]_Harry...

Harry: _[still dragging Ron]_ Yes?

Ron: It occurs to me... that you don't actually need to drag me.

Harry: You know, you might just be right.

_Harry does not release Ron, but just continues to drag him. Ron looks annoyed, and decides it is his turn for a despairing sigh._

Ron: _[takes a deep breath in preparation for a much anticipated despairing sigh]_

Harry: Here we are!

Ron: Damn.

_Harry begins to climb up the ladder, hauling Ron behind him. Somehow about ten minutes of dragging, trudging and being lectured about Pantene Pro-V has morphed into the entire length of their Potions lesson, because they are just on time for their Divination lesson. They sit down and get their books out. After five minutes Ron falls asleep and onto the floor, dragging Harry downwards. (Of COURSE Harry's still got Ron's wrists in a death-grip! Whatever made you think he was going to let go after all this fairly long length of time?)_

Harry: _[from floor] _ Drat. _[decides it's finally time to let go (damn. I was wrong. Ah well). He releases Ron's wrists, and positions him in a fairly upright position on his chair]_

_Professor Trelawney drifts over to Harry_

Trelawney: Ah! Ah! Harry, the fates inform me that your hair will lose your lustrous bounce unless you use Pantene Pro-V!

_Ron has woken up by now, and, along with Harry looks at Trelawney in amazement. Surely Hogwarts' funds have't dropped to the point that all the teachers have agreed to advertise haircare products during the lessons?_

Harry: _[leaning over to Ron once Trelawney has made her way to another part of the classroom, in the same would-be surreptitious tone he used during the Potions lesson]_ Surely Hogwarts' funds have't dropped to the point that the teachers have agreed to advertise haircare products during the lessons?

Ron: I don't think so. It seems like they're all under some kind of spell... 

_Ron discloses what he heard Filch mutter as Harry dragged his friend past, something about buying Pantene Pro-V which the author can't be bothered to type in full_

Ron: If only Hermione weren't a Furbyª!! I'm sure she would know what's going on!

Harry: Yeah, well I know what she'd say if we DID ask her. She'd say 'oowa! Big sound!'

Ron: Hah. _[it is a laugh without mirth. I felt the need to add that]_

Harry: ... SNAPE wasn't advertising Pantene! Maybe HE put the spell on the other teachers!!

Ron: Maybe! Tonight, we'll have to try and find out!

_Once again, a conversation that would normally only last about five minutes - if that - has metamorphosed into the period of a whole lesson. It's Hogwart's high magic levels distorting time. Really. It is in no way my being too lazy to write about what happens during in the lesson. Not at all. *coughs* Anyway, it is now the end of the lesson. Harry and Ron leave the room as Trelawney informs Lavender Brown which particular type Pantene Pro-V conditioner would be best for her hair._

  


¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥

  


Oo... dis has been some Looong chapter... Whatever will happen now? Ok, well actually I did have some kind of plot in mind, and ye has hit the nail on the head, Morpheus person... In the next part: Harry and Ron discover Snape's secret Furby collection, and a cunning plan is hatched!! Review, peoples, review! I likes reviews! *eats reviews so far with toast and jam* Yay!


	4. Beware the Furbies

Wow! 10 whole reviews! I LIKE reviews! *consumes remaining reviews with toast & jam* Yum... reviews. *pokes 'me'* I KNOW about the apostrophes. And what does Alice in Wonderland have to do with this? =oo= Ah well. And you shouldn't use 'gay' as a derogatory term. *shakes head* Some people... Hennyway. On with the lunacy.

***Now with EVEN MORE Furbies!***

_In the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, some time very late at night. Ron is emitting very loud and obviously fake snores. At length Harry gets up out of bed and walks over to Ron, who he attempts to 'wake up', despite Ron's very bad pretend snoring. Ron gets up and grins._

Ron: Aha, you thought I was asleep!

Harry: _[with a look of genuine surprise]_ You weren't?

Ron: Nope! I was pretending!

Harry: Oh.

Ron: Right, let's go! _[he jumps out of bed. Unlike Harry he is not wearing pyjamas but is wearing normal clothes. Including shoes]_

Harry: You were sleeping in shoes?

Ron: No, I wasn't asleep! I was only pretending to be asleep!

Harry: But you were still lying in bed whilst wearing mucky old trainers...?

Ron: Well... they're not THAT mucky.

Harry: _[sighs despairingly]_ Ok, ok. Come on.

Ron: Ok.

_Ron moves towards the door. Harry glares at him._

Harry: Where do you think you're going?

Ron: What? You just said we were going to go!

Harry: Yes, I did.

_Harry walks over to Ron and grabs him by the wrists with one hand. Ron sighs and shakes his head as Harry drags him out of the dormitory, down the stairs, across the common room and out of the portrait hole. The Fat Lady looks slightly confused. Ron looks at her and shrugs as Harry drags him off down the corridor._

Ron: Do you really have to drag me?

Harry: Yes.

Ron: Why?

_Harry does not respond, apparently not having heard his trusty sidekick's query. He takes both Ron's wrists in one hand and with the other he pulls his invisibility cloak over himself and partly over Ron, creating an unpleasant sight where Ron is visible from the stomach downwards. Ron rolls his eyes and does not make further comments.  
At length they arrive at Snape's office. Harry lets go of Ron and tries the door. Unsurprisingly, it is locked._

Harry: Damn. Why didn't we bring a key?

Ron: _[very glad to be free of Harry's vice-like grip]_ Because we don't have a key.

Harry: _[ignoring Ron]_ Maybe... there must be some spell we can do to unlock it...

Ron: Of course there bloody is!

Harry: Oh yeah. Of course.

_There is a pause._

Ron: You don't know what it is either, huh?

Harry: Oh, shut up.

Ron: Well excuse me for breathing!

Harry: ... uh... wait, it's all coming back to me! 

_Harry points his wand at the lock and mutters something that the author can't recall, because she is on holiday in Wales and doesn't have any Harry Potter books to hand. He then opens it._

Ron: Hurrah!

_Harry and Ron enter the office, closing the door behind them. It is too dark to see anything. Out of habit, Harry fumbles on the wall for a light switch - and to his great surprise he finds one. And flicks it. Electric light floods the room. Harry is about to wonder why and how Snape has electric light in Hogwarts, but his and Ron's thoughts are drowned out by a multitude of computerised voices._

Computerised Voices: Aaay! Cock-a-doodle doo!!

Ron: Oh my god!

Harry: Hundreds of Furbies!!

_This is an understatement, but there are indeed dozens of Furbies lining the shelves of Snape's office, all gabbling annoyingly to one another in Furbish._

Harry: _[raising his voice to be heard above the chattering]_What can we do?

Ron: _[also raising his voice]_ I don't know! But I think ... I think I can hear footsteps!

Harry: Quick! Hide!

_He pulls Ron into a corner and puts the cloak over both of them as the footsteps grow closer and more audible. At length Snape walks into the room._

Snape: _[shaking his head]_ I must have left the door unlocked... But I'm sure I closed it properly... and the light's on... __

Snape casts a glance around the room. Harry and Ron shiver, but they're invisible so you can't tell. But still. I thought I should let you know that. For some reason unbeknownst to any (but probably due to the author's incompetence and inability to think of what she could have happen if Snape found Harry and Ron), Snape does not mutter 'Potter' or anything similar, but instead shrugs and pats a few Furbies on the head, mutters something inaudibe, turns the light off and walks out of the office, locking the door behind him. Harry removes his cloak but it's so dark it's hard to tell anyway.

Harry: Ok, so we're in here now... and Snape's gone. But how're we supposed to tell which Furby is Hermione??

Ron: More to the point, how're we supposed to get OUT?

Harry: The same way we got in.

Ron: Well, yeah. I just said that for dramatic effect.

Harry: Ah.

Ron: Well, there's only one person who knows for sure which Furby is Hermione. Snape. And he's gone and there's no way he's going to help us.

Harry: Presumably Hermione knows which Furby she is too.

Ron: Yeah, but she's a Furby at the moment. Not a person.

Harry: I suppose so. Damn. This has all the makings of a badly thought out plan.

Ron: At least we managed not to forget the cloak.

Harry: I suppose there's that.

Ron: And we managed to avoid Filch on the way here...

Harry: Ok, ok. So maybe it wasn't quite that badly thought out. But it was still a bad plan!

Ron: ... and we -

Harry: Shut up.

Ron: Sorry.

_There is a pause. They sit there in silence, not knowing what to do._

Ron: Hang on! I have an idea!

Harry: Really? What?

Ron: You bought the Marauder's Map, right?

Harry: ... uh ... no.

Ron: Oh. Damn.

_They fall into silence once more. Neither of them speaks. Which is kind of obvious because they've fallen into silence. And silence requires no speaking. Oh, gawd, I'm rambling now aren't I?_

  


¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥

  


And here we leave our heroes, locked in Snape's office with a multitude of sleeping Furbies. Will they ever get out? (Well of course they will, they figured that out already). Will they manage to find out which Furby is Hermione? Will anything more be said about the advertising of shampoo? Why did Squeaks say that a cunning plan would be hatched in this chapter when in fact nothing of the sort occured? Because I couldn't be bothered! You'll have to wait until next ... uh ... not week, because that would imply I had better things to do than sit about writing this tosh and so could only write a bit every now and then ... chapter! Next chapter! I can add it whenever I want! There's nothing you can do to stop me!! Muahahahaha! I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog too, if it wasn't for them meddling kids!!


	5. Nothing of Importance Happens

Yeah, I know this took a while. I just didn't get round to it. Yes, that's right. I have no decent excuse. So kill me. In fact, don't. It would be an exceedingly difficult thing to do because you don't actually know who I am or precisely where I live, and would therefore be unable to find me and kill me. So there. Nyah nyah nyah :P And since someone asked, I don't consume large amounts of sugar. Really. This? This is a ... a ... uh ... a SALT sandwich. Yeah. *moves in front of the open bag of sugar behind her in an attempt to hide it* Um.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Harry and Ron are still in Snape's office. There is still silence, during which neither of them talk. Because it's silence, and, as I said last chapter, silence requires no talking._

Harry: ... Right mess we're in here eh?

Ron: Yup.

_There is a pause._

Harry: Bah, I'm too tired to think.

Ron: So... should we just go back to the tower and leave thinking until a later point?

Harry: Yeah, OK.

_Harry walks over to the door and unlocks it using the same means as before (some spell or other which I can't remember), then goes back to Ron and grabs his wrists. Ron looks annoyed. Harry then picks up the invisibility cloak and attempts to cover as much of himself and his trusty sidekick with it as is possible - ie. all of Harry and about half of Ron._

Ron: You know, my legs are still visible.

Harry: Oh dear.

_Harry does nothing to rectify the situation. Ron sighs despairingly, and tucks his legs up so that less of them are visible. After much dragging around the castle he gives up as it is too much effort, but by now they are nearly at the portrait-hole, so that's OK. In fact, to avoid me having to add any more, by now they ARE at the portrait-hole._

Fat Lady: _[she is awake, surprisingly, considering it's the middle of the night. She beams at them]_ Hello boys. Your hair looks a bit dry today you know, have you considered using pantene pro-v?

Harry: Bah, Humbug.

_The painting swings open._

Harry: Wow, was that the password?

Ron: Yes. Evidently.

Harry: Right. I'd forgotten.

Ron: But - but - you gave the - _[he gives up]_ Never mind.

_Harry drags him through the hole, which closes behind them. He then drags Ron across the common room and up the stairs into the dorm, at which point he relinquishes the death-grip he has on Ron's wrists. Ron begins to rub his wrists, attempting to coax his blood back into its normail circulation. Meanwhile Harry has climbed into bed, having been in his pyjamas all this time._

Ron: Harry, why d'y-

_Harry has begun to snore loudly, but not fakely. Ron sighs despairingly._

---

Same bat place, however not same bat time. *suddenly realises it is in fact still night* Damn. *glares at scene, which swiftly changes. Sunlight streams through the curtains and birds can be heard tweeting outside. Twinkly music is played* ... Ok, lose the twinkly music. *twinkly music cuts off abruptly* Good-O.

Harry: _[begins to stir]_ Oog. What time is it? _[no-one replies, they are still all asleep]_ Hellooo? _[still no reply]_ Bah, humbug. _[there is the distant sound of the portrait-hole swinging open. This noise, though quieter than any of Harry's remarks, causes Ron to wake up]_

Ron: Whassawha?

Harry: Nothing.

Ron: Oh.

Harry: What time is it?

Ron: I dunno. Don't you have a watch?

Harry: No. I had one once but --

Ron: -- Dudley trod on it.

Harry: How did you guess?

Ron: I'm a telepath.

Harry: Oh hush.

Ron: Hush? Hush?? What if I don't WANT to hush??? What THEN, eh?????

Harry: You have to do what I say. I'm the main character here, you're my sidekick.

Ron: Oh. So I am.

Harry: Quite. _[to author]_And you had five question marks back there.

_Damn. So I did. *thwaps self with a herring*_

Harry: Anyway, we have to get to the library to try and find a way to change Hermione back.

Ron: We could... but for one thing we don't know which Furby is Hermione and for another if we did it wouldn't be hard to change her back at all, we did it in transfiguration last week.

Harry: Oh yes. So we did.

Ron: So why did you suggest going to the library?

Harry: I dunno. Whenever we have a crisis like this Hermione always goes to the library.

Ron: Regardless of how useful said action would be.

Harry: And it's always extremely useful because if it wasn't we'd probably all be dead.

Ron: Yes. Thank god for the library.

Harry: Indeed.

_There is a pause._

Ron: Wait!! We CAN go to the library!!

Harry: Yes, you SHALL go to the ball!

Ron: ... uh ... whatever.

Harry: Sorry. What were you saying?

Ron: Uh... if we go to the library, we could try and find out what's up with all the teachers advertising hair-care products! It must be some kind of curse or another!

Harry: Yes, I'm sure that however irrelevant it seems right now it will be at some later point vital to the plot of this ill-laid-out tale!

_How very right you are, Harry.  
They very hastily get dressed and dash out of the dorm to go to the library. The author apologises for giving no excuse as to why they haven't got breakfast or some lessons to go to, but still refuses to give any excuse. Instead, she has them stop half-way to the library._

Harry: Wait! We haven't had breakfast!

Ron: Oh no!

_Both rush off to have breakfast. The author cannot be bothered to describe breakfast in detail, as very little of importance happens. You may ask why I had them have that conversation about the watch, which was of no importance whatsoever and somewhat dull - and fairly so. To which I reply: It's my fic, I can do what I like!!  
Anyway, it is now after breakfast._

Harry: Now let us press on! To the library!

Ron: Right!

Harry: Coconuts, please.

Ron: Coconuts?

Harry: Coconuts.

Ron: ... uh ... 

Harry: _[sighs despairingly]_ COCONUTS!! _[he produces two empty coconut halves and hands them to Ron, who bangs them together experimentally]_ Right! Now you keep doing that!

Ron: Uh... If you say so... 

_Ron bangs the coconuts together as Harry walks along in front of him in a horse-riding type position, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. As they proceed to the library many students give them confused looks. Ron eventually gives up shrugging apologetically every .02 seconds to people he doesn't know._

Ron: At least it's better than being dragged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here was a largely pointless (and aptly named) chapter if ever I saw one!! Well, the next one will be along fairly soon! I'm supposed to be revising! But instead I'm writing this, purely for your entertainment! Don't you feel special?


	6. A Cunning Plan is Hatched

Deary deary me. It's Friday, I have exams starting on Monday and I haven't revised one teeny iddle bit! Ah well! Never mind! =oo=  
Anyway, in this chapter, hopefully something interesting will happen. If it doesn't? Well, don't blame me!! It's better than nothing!!   
I love reviews. I eat them with toast and jam. They form a staple part of my diet. I may become ill without my minimum daily requirement of reviews. in a nutshell, REVIEW ALREADY!!! =oO=;

_Harry and Ron are proceeding to the library. Ron is banging two halves of a coconut together and Harry is walking in an 'I'm riding a horse, really I am' kind of way, not dissimilar to that of the knights in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Ron looks very annoyed. At length they arrive at the library. Ron sighs and puts the coconuts down. Harry doesn't seem to have noticed, but stops 'riding' anyway._

Harry: Right. We'd better get researching.

Ron: Okey dokey! _[ever played Mario Kart 64? Yes? You know how sometimes when Mario overtakes, he goes 'okey-dokey' in his strange Italian way? Right? Well, that's how Ron said okey-dokey]_

Harry: Uh... yeah...

Ron: Come on then!

_He runs hurriedly towards a bookshelf, then begins to slowly and ponderingishly walk up and down, looking at the books._

Ron: Hmm...

Harry: _[walking towards the bookshelves]_ Hm.

_They inspect the books for a long time. At length Harry removes a pile of books from a shelf and sits at a table, looking through them. Ron does the same._

Harry: Aha!

Ron: What??

Harry: I've found out how we can change Hermione back!!

Ron: _[sighs despairingly]_ Harry, I told you before. We know that already. We did it last week in transfiguration. We're supposed to be researching the teacher's incessant advertising of Pantene Pro-V.

Harry: Oh yeah.

_Harry picks up the pile of books and returns them to the shelf from whence they came. He takes another pile, but Ron seems to have found something._

Ron: Harry, look at this! Apparently there's such a thing as an advertising curse, which causes the victim to advertise whichever product the curser chooses, and do very little else... it says here that the curse can only be broken if someone buys the product being advertised from the person who's been cursed...

Harry: That sounds exactly like what's wrong with all the teachers! 

Ron: ...except for Snape.

Harry: Yes, except for Snape.

Ron: Let's go and find Dumbledore and buy some Pantene off him!

Harry: Yes! Let's go!

_Harry dashes off, for once not making Ron accompany him in an embarrasing way. Ron grins and follows._

Harry: I have a plan!

Ron: What??

Harry: Something leads me to believe that it wasn't Snape who cast that curse.

Ron: Why not? He's the only one who wasn't affected by it.

Harry: Yes, but is Snape a purveyor of hair-care products?

Ron: Well... no...

Harry: He must have just not been there when the staff were cursed.

Ron: I suppose.

Harry: Right. So, if we buy some off Dumbledore...

Ron: Yeah...

Harry: We can offer to give it to Snape in exchange for the Furby that's Hermione!

Ron: Yeah! ... hang on. Why would Snape be so keen to get hold of shampoo?

Harry: You've seen his hair. He obviously can't afford it.

Ron: Good point.

Harry: I'm a genius.

Ron: No you're not.

Harry: You have to agree with me, I'm afraid. I'm the main character, you're my sidekick. You keep forgetting that don't you?

Ron: Humbug.

_After a while they arrive at Dumbledore's office._

Ron: Do you actually know where we're going?

Harry: Yes! This is the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

Ron: It's just a wall.

Harry: Ah, but you see this gargoyle here? If you say the password it moves out of the way.

Ron: Really?

Harry: Yes.

Ron: Oh. So ... do you know the password?

Harry: No.

Ron: Oh god. Yet another BRILLIANTLY thought out plan.

Harry: It was good up to here! Anyway, twice previously it's been to do with sweets, so presumably it will be this time!

Ron: Ok.

_Both boys proceed to shout the names of assorted muggle and wizard sweets which can't quite be made out as they are not shouting in unison. After a while the gargoyle moves out of the way._

Harry: Which one was it?

Ron: I dunno.

Harry: Well, we should go in while we can.

Ron: Yes.

_They go through the entrance and into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, surrounded by assorted Pantene products. He does not seem at all surprised to see Harry and Ron there, and beams at them._

Dumbledore: Hello. Have you tried the new Pantene - 

Harry: Yeah, yeah. Do you have any products for greasy hair?

Dumbledore: Oh, yes, this is P - 

Ron: We don't care what it's called, we just want to buy some.

Dumbledore: Very well, it's priced at eight sickles per bottle, a most reasonable - 

Harry: Ok, ok, here you go.

_Harry pays Dumbledore for the shampoo. Dumbledore abruptly comes out of his trance-like state as he hands them the shampoo. He looks about his office, confused at the bottles of haircare products that litter his desk and the floor around it._

Dumbledore: Harry? What are you doing here?

Ron: Huzzah! It worked!

Harry: We were buying haircare products sir.

Dumbledore: Haircare products?

_Harry makes a sweeping gesture to indicate the bottles of Pantene._

Dumbledore: How very strange. What are these doing here?

Harry: You were under an advertising cursem sir.

Dumbledore: Oh good heavens! I remember now... yes, someone sneaked up behind me! I don't remember who it was though.

Ron: Well that makes sense, sir, because they sneaked up behind you.

Harry: Yes, and the author feels it would be annoying for her to have to think of who did it because then the plot would branch off into us trying to catch the culprit rather than saving Hermione which is what we're supposed to be doing.

Ron: Yeah, that too.

_Deary me. What a naughty Dippy Duck I am._

Dumbledore: Ah, I see. Well, if saving Hermione is what you're supposed to be doing, don't let me delay you any longer! You get on with it, I'll just sit here and wait and offer no help at all.

Harry: Thank you sir.

Harry and Ron leave the office, holding the bottle of shampoo.

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


So! We near the end of our story, as our heroes set out to rescue their friend. The next chapter should be along very soon. Or sometime in the near future. Well, let's just say it'll be along at some point. And review, people! Review!! 


	7. Snape is More Than Slightly Bonkers

Seven chapters already? Bliminy. I planned four originally... Ah well =^^=   
I love reviews. I eat them with toast and jam. They form a staple part of my diet. I may become ill without my minimum daily requirement of reviews. Put simply, REVIEW ALREADY!!! =oO=;  
We left our heroes - sorry, our hero, gone slightly barmy, and his equally doolally sidekick - leaving Dumbledore's office with a bottle of shampoo, the purchase of which has removed the advertising curse from the teachers of the school, hopefully making them more coherent (Except Trelawney). They now set off to Snape's office in a bid to exchange the shampoo for the Furby that is Hermione. Why it never crossed either of their minds that Snape might like his hair greasy or can't be bothered to wash it rather than being unable to afford shampoo will never be known. Probably because they were too excited at having come up with any kind of plan at all without the aid of Hermione, sidekick #2. Why Dumbledore didn't help either is slightly less unknown, the reason being simply that most of the time he lets our hero and his sidekicks charge off to face the immensely powerful Dark Lord without giving them aid of any kind. Well, without giving them CONCIOUS aid of any kind. Deary me, I seem to have rambled unnecessarily about stuff you already knew. At least, I presume you already knew, because if you're reading this I'd be pretty danged surprised if you hadn't read any of the other chapters. If you haven't, why the goobenheimer not?? Go back and read them now. Go on!! If you haven't? Well, read right on, here y'are. Now featuring added unnecessarily lengthy stage directions and Monty Python references!! No prizes for pointing out the bit with the coconuts! **This Chapter's Most Mentioned but Not Actually Featured Non-Human Organic Being:** The Duck

  
  


_Harry and Ron head in a general downwards direction through the school, aiming for Snape's office, once again with the coconuts and the Monty Python style riding. They pass a section of wall they recognise from their brief periods as Crabbe and Goyle in their second year as the entrance to the Slytherin common room/dormitories. Some industrius person has stuck a sign to the wall that says in bold, bright blue letters: "You don't have to be an evil, smarmy git to know the password to get in here BUT IT HELPS!!!" Harry and Ron stop briefly to puzzle over the sign before the more pressing problem of rescuing Hermione resurfaces and they continue towards Snape's office, which after a while they reach. Harry knocks on the door._

Harry: Professor Snape!!

_Snape opens the door a crack and glares at Harry and Ron with one beady eye. A mechanical voice saying 'Doo-ay!' can be heard from within, making Snape's reasons for not opening the door properly immediately obvious except perhaps to a deaf duck which has recently expired in an unfortunate accident with a lawnmower and a squirrel._

Snape: _[angrily - well, did you seriously expect him to greet Harry and Ron jovially? You did? Well, if you really want you can imagine him to have greeted them jovially and to have said 'Harry! Ron! Come in, come in!'. But that would be kind of stupid]_ Why do you disturb me at this hour of the night??

Harry: It's not night, sir. It's ... _[he looks at his watch]_ ... four in the afternoon, sir.

Snape: Bah.

Harry: _[proceeding merrily onwards like a happy little baby duck, with eyes even more disproportionately large than those of Bambi, skipping across a minefield] Why did you think it was night, sir?_

Snape: I didn't, you stupid boy. I just wanted to say 'why do you disturb me at this hour of the night'. I can if I want and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Nothing I say! Muahahahaaa! I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!!

_(I know I said that before. I don't care. I liked it too much to only use it once, and I don't care in the slightest if you don't think it's funny, because I do. You might want to bear in mind that it doesn't take very much to make me laugh, though.) Harry and Ron exchange bemused glances. Ron whispers perfectly audibly to Harry._

Ron: Who's Batman? Are you Batman? Does Snape call you Batman?

Harry: Uh... I'll explain later.

Ron: Ok. Professor Snape, who's Batman? Is Harry Batman? Do you call Harry Batman?

_Harry sighs despairingly and slaps himself on the forehead._

Snape: No, Weasley, Potter is not Batman, nor do I make it my habit to address him as such.

Ron: Oh.

Snape: If you two are just going to stand here asking me nonsensical questions, CLEAR OFF!

_The last two words are accompanied by Snape's jumping into the air. The author seems to have completely forgotten that what we are seeing of Snape is only one eye, but this has ceased to matter as none of this story makes sense anyway._

Snape: Well?

Harry: Er, well, actually we were actually intending to actually ask you something...

Ron: _[whispering loudly once again]_Harry, you said 'actually' thrice!

Harry: _[momentarily distracted]_ Thrice?

Ron: Like twice, only with three.

Harry: So would four be fource?

Ron: No.

Harry: Oh.

Snape: Well? WHAT IS IT?? _[jumping once again]_

Harry: Uh... you know last lesson you turned Hermione into a Furby...?

Snape: _[with a slightly worried glance behind him]_ ... Yes. 

Harry: ... We were wondering if you could turn her back.

Snape: _[in a tone of voice similar to that of a small child snatching at a teddy bear or something of that nature and going 'MINE!']_ No!

Harry: Um.

Ron: Will you change her back if we give you some shampoo in exchange?

Snape: What?

Ron: Shampoo.

Snape: Are you suggesting I need to wash my hair?

Harry: _[watching some grease drip from the end of a strand of Snape's hair and land on the floor with a 'plup']_ Uh... 

Ron: Yes.

Snape: Well gosh golly dern, I do!

_Harry and Ron exchange bemused glances yet again._

Harry: Um... so if we give you the shampoo can we have Hermione back?

Snape: Of course not! I like my hair greasy!!

_Harry and Ron exchanged bemused glances for the fifth - sorry, third - time._

Harry: Uh... why?

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


DUN DUN DUNN!!!! WHY on earth does Snape like his hair greasy? Will he accept Harry and Ron's offer? Probably not, but hey, you never know!! That's it for this chapter, because I'm getting too tired to think properly (not that that's really required for this fic, but hey, you know...) and I've run out of raisins. G'bye! 


	8. All is Resolved, with Singing

Welcome, welcome back to this chunk of insanity! I'm aiming to end it in this chapter... but you never know, I might not be able to squeeze it all in.  
I love reviews. I eat them with toast and jam. They form a staple part of my diet. I may become ill without my minimum daily requirement of reviews. Put simply, REVIEW ALREADY!!! =oO=;  
Right. Where were we? Ah yes... *grins* Snape is about to tell Harry and Ron WHY he likes his hair greasy. It seems their cunning plan is not going to work after all. Oh dear.

----------------------------------------  


Snape: Why what?

Harry: Uh, why do you like your hair greasy?

Snape: I don't like my hair greasy? Are you implying I have greasy hair??Harry: _[watching some grease drip from the end of a strand of Snape's hair and land on the floor with a 'plup']_ Uh... 

Ron: You know, you did that exact same thing five minutes ago?

Harry: Three minutes ago. Shut up, Ron. Sir, you said yourself just before that you like your hair greasy.

Snape: Don't be ridiculous! Why would I say that??

Ron: I think he's losing it... Plus we've been talking to him for more than a chapter and he hasn't threatened us with detention yet.

_Harry kicks Ron in the shins but it is too late. Snape's eyes light up._

Snape: _[gleefully]_ Detention! Both of you!

Harry: Damn. Stupid Ron.

Ron: _[after a few moment's pause]_ ... HEY!

Harry: So if you DON'T like your hair greasy, can we exchange this shampoo for Hermione?

Snape: _[snatching the shampoo from Harry]_ Silence! I am confiscating this shampoo, you do not need to carry it around and it is surely of some distraction during lessons! Your detention is tomorrow evening in my classroom, be off with you.

Harry: Damn.

_Snape examines the shampoo._

Snape: Pantene Pro-V?

Harry: Yes, sir.

Snape: You know Herbal Essence is much better. _(there you go, kelc =oO=)_

Harry: Uh... we couldn't get any, sir.

Ron: You see, someone had put an advertising curse on all the staff -

Harry: - except you, for some reason - 

Ron: - and we had to buy some to get rid of the curse.

Harry: And we thought we were being very clever and killing two birds with one stone.

Ron: But we hadn't thought out the plan properly.

Harry: Again.

Ron: Yes.

Snape: I see. Leave! now!

_Harry and Ron stand there, not moving. Because they're standing there. And they wouldn't be standing there if they were going anywhere, would they?_

Snape: I said go away!

Ron: No, you said 'Leave! Now!'. 

Snape: Well NOW I'm saying go away!

Harry: Shan't, it's not your corridor.

_Harry and Ron remain where they are. Snape glares at them. They still do not move. Snape glares at them some more. Harry and Ron stay put. This continues for about five minutes until Snape gives a loud huffing noise and returns to his office, slamming the door. Something inside says 'uuwa! Big sound!'.  
Harry and Ron look at one another, then link arms and begin to do something remniscient of a Morris dance, with much stamping of feet. After a while they stop and begin to sing loudly and raucously. Harry sings something approaching a harmony part._

Ron: MY OLD MAN SAID FOLLOW THE VAN, AND DON'T DILLY DALLY ON THE WAY 

Harry: - Way, way, way -

Ron: OFF WENT THE VAN WIV ME OLD MAN IN IT, I FOLLOWED ON WIV ME -

Harry and Ron: - OLD COCK LINNET - 

Ron: BUT I DILLIED AND DALLIED - 

Harry: - Dallied and dillied -

Ron: LOST MY WAY AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO ROAM -

Harry: - roam, roam -

Ron: YOU CAN'T TRUST A SPECIAL LIKE THE OLD TIME COPPERS -

Harry and Ron: WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR WAY 'OME!!

Harry: Home home home!

_Snape bursts out of his office, eyes popping. He glares at Harry and Ron._

Snape: Shut up!!

_Ron sticks his tongue out._

Ron: You can't make us, 's not your corridor!

_Snape looks even more furious than before, if that is possible. Harry sticks his tongue out too and they begin to sway from side to side, humming and waggling their tongues at the fuming potions master. Snape goes back into his office, grabs something, and hurls it at them. Harry catches it. It is a Furby._

Snape: Right! There's your friend! Now GO AWAY AND STOP SINGING! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SINGING!

_Harry and Ron abruptly stop their swaying, tongue waggling and humming._

Harry: You have to change her back too. We don't know if it's really her.

Snape: Of course it is!! Do you think I have LOTS of Furbys?

Harry and Ron: Yes.

_There is a pause. _

Snape: How did you know? HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Ron: Well, we - 

_Harry treads on his sidekick's foot and shakes his head, tapping the side of his (own) nose._

Harry: Ah!

Snape: ... Very well, I'll change her back. But if you tell anybody, I will personally - 

Harry: Ensure that we're expelled?

Snape: Actually I was going to say I would personally slit your nostrils open with a boathook. But that too.

_Harry and Ron yet again exchange bemused glances as Snape takes the Furby from them and wombles* into his office, slamming the door behind him. At length he ushers Hermione, who looks as bemused as all four of Harry and Ron's bemused glances stacked on top of one another, with added bemusement, out of his office. Harry and Ron grab her by the wrists (one wrist each) and begin to drag her away._

Hermione: Uh... what happened there?

_Ron seizes this fabulous oppurtunity to cause Hermione unjustified embarassment. _

Ron: Snape kidnapped you for use in orgies.

Hermione: WHAT?

Harry: Furby orgies?

Hermione: Wha - ?

Harry: Snape turned you into a Furby for being late. I had no idea orgies were involved.

Ron: Aww, Harry...

Hermione: Nice try.

Harry: On the other hand, this is Snape we're talking about here, you never know.

_All of them think about this for a while. _

Harry and Hermione: Eurgh.

_There is a pause. For Ron, thinking is a delicate process, so he takes a little longer than the others._

Ron: Eurgh.

Harry: Let's go and do something interesting to take that thought out of our minds, shall we?

_Ron and Hermione nod, and they all go off to do something interesting to take that thought out of their minds._

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


Well, there you are! All done! *beams* Now go do something worthwhile!


End file.
